Five fingertips putting pressure on the perimeter of my face telling me I’ve made yet another mistake. there's something about me that people love to take. i’ve been used and abused tirelessly, laboriously without a single lunch break, and yet i’ve never been “the one” but I'm always someone's fun. maybe i only dream of love because it’s something I've never won.
pain is my friend and hate has become my fuel. i was always the villain and never the hero but i keep forgetting the plot. i keep improving my lines then i agonize over why nothing i say feels right, nothing i do makes sense. then I'm thrown the script and i fall back to earth again.
it’s never a graceful trip. i tend to just lay there, face in the mud and regret in my hair, wishing i had fallen farther and landed on concrete. my heart failing to process another defeat. maybe it’ll break this time and not metaphorically, maybe i’ll get a new addiction and start to work euphorically at becoming a version of myself i don’t want to be, but maybe being numb is exactly up my alley, and maybe all this happens because i didn’t have a daddy, and maybe i'll never be loved and i'll always be lost because the love I've felt is never worth the cost.
and it’s not just lovers it's everyone i’ve ever known. it’s the constant realization that i can’t escape being alone because I'm everyone's fun but I'm no one's favorite. just a painfully naive human providing free entertainment.
free entertainment – Stories by Noelle
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